Movie Review: Desperados (Netflix Original)
*Minor spoilers ahead.*

Hoo boy… (End of Desperados review.) Just kidding. I wish, though… 

You guys in for a wild ride? But not in a fun way, in a “How did this amusement park ride pass inspection” way. When I saw that on-screen New Girl couple Nasim Pedrad and Lamorne Morris were starring in a new Netflix movie, I was so excited. I love that they are two minority leads and I love their characters Aly and Winston in New Girl. Unfortunately, the magic of their chemistry and humor was nowhere to be found in Desperados. Netflix has to do a much better job of quality-checking their productions. It seemed like they grabbed a script from the amateur reject pile and was like, “We’re Netflix. Roll with it.”

Desperados not only follows the desperations of the characters but also the viewers who want out of this. Okay, the story literally follows the desperation of Pedrad’s character, Wesley, who just wants a job (but finds it appropriate to talk to the nun of a Catholic school about masturbation during a job interview) and a boyfriend (to the point she decides to lie entirely about who she is). Look, it makes sense to want those things, but with her incessant self-centeredness, immaturity (which Morris’s character, Sean, is forced to find endearing), and victim mentality, this girl doesn’t even deserve the Hitler cat. 

I can’t feel sorry for her—EVER—and her “character development” is barely there. Everything she experiences is her own fault, yet she never quite owns up to it. Desperados tries to cover “her growth” through a fight with her friends and an apology later, but this “growth” and their “friendship” take the far, far backseat to the crazy antics they go through in Mexico. Oh, why are there? To retrieve an angry email (written during a boring, drunken montage) she sends her beau, Jared, who knows nothing of the lunatic he is courting, instead of, I don’t know, simply saying your friends got drunk and took over your email while you stepped out? And these antics include hilarious accidental pedophilia and dolphin genitals. That is the quality of humor you are going to get here.

Opposite Wesley are cliches in her friend, Brooke, a put-together but rigid woman who just wants to get laid and finally does through a lesbian venture (which, called it); another friend, Kaylie, a hippie-type woman who really wants a child; and Sean, whose attraction (I guess?) comes from his status as a grieving widow because, apparently, according to the romance genre, women really dig that. But seriously. That’s all he is. No other character trait to note. The woman he goes on a blind date with at the end has more character than all of them combined (she’s hilarious, can we make a TV show about her instead?).

See Also:  TV Review: The Haunting of Hill House (Netflix Original)

As you can see, none of the characters are likable. Wesley is not redeemable as a flawed heroine. Pedrad can’t save her with her over-the-top whining and tantrums. I’ve seen how well Pedrad can deliver lines for comedic effect, but there were no lines worth delivering here. She really tries with her whole being but the effort shows. Also, Morris is hilarious but not given anything hilarious to do. So you have bad characters, terrible writing, a poor premise, waste of talent, and flimsy plot. There’s not much more to say here except aren’t you glad you read this Desperados review before you tried the movie?

This is a hard pass for me. I only managed to finish it by leaving it on in the background as I did sudoku in another room. Don’t watch it. Watch Pedrad and Morris in New Girl (also on Netflix) instead.

Rating:

3/10

Bonus:

Titles for IMDB reviews include…

Why Netflix? Whhhyyy??

Why??

I thought about unsubsribing from Netlix after this movie

Written by a 12 year old edgelord

Dolphin dicked in the face

So, I mean, if that doesn’t scare you off… On the bright side, at least I had fun writing this review.

More of my movie reviews can be found here (For the love of gallantry find something better to watch from here).

Gallantly,

gallantly gal
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