Ever since I was young, I was quite a closed off person. I often keep things to myself because I don’t trust in people to tell them things. Not that I can’t trust them to keep things to themselves or anything like that, but I can’t trust in them to react the way I’d like. After all, people always react–and their reactions are things I would rather not deal with for the most part. Either they have doubts, which only hurt me, or they have expectations–and that is unnecessary pressure I do not want on myself; hence, I am naturally quite a secretive person.
However, there is more to it than that. While I do not trust in the reactions of the people around me when sharing good news, I also was a generally pessimistic child growing up. I had this notion that it was better to set myself up for disappointment than to hype myself up only to get disappointed. I thought if I had expectations, I was likely to be let down. On the other hand, if I had no expectations, I might actually be pleasantly surprised by good results. And for some reason, I felt like speaking about things would raise expectations not only in the people around me but also in myself, which would set me up for disappointment.
The last point I want to make is that for some reason, I also believed speaking about possible good things to come or new opportunities would jinx them. This might go hand in hand with my pessimism, but I found that the few times I did bring something up, the outcome would not be great. Whenever I said something, I would like to knock on wood three times to ward off jinxes. Weirdly enough, I have come to realize that I actually believed in jinxing things.
All of the points above mean that I have a flaw in my communication skills. I could be open about my feelings and I do like to talk a lot, but my aversion to letting people know when something good might happen, like scheduling an interview for a possible job opportunity, could be frustrating to some. Interestingly enough, this is not the case for everyone I deal with. While I turn to my friends more quickly and frequently to give them good news, I am less inclined to do the same with family. This could be because my peers are in similar situations or life stages as myself, so they are generally more understanding. Still, I am initially reluctant and even when I tell them, I feel withdrawn or uncomfortable at the same time.
This actually happens with bad things, too. I don’t like to talk about things that really worry me or if something bad happens, like someone close to me is hurt or in pain, because I worry talking about it will be me exhaling all the possibilities, scary ones, into the air where they will hang heavy and suffocating. Then they’ll get picked up by the universe and solidified into reality. Because once things are said, they are very real. And they are “incepted” into the mind (yes, like in the movie Inception). For example, when someone voices a concern I hadn’t even considered, it bogs down my mind, growing heavier and heavier, feeding my anxiety. But why go through things alone? Why am I so superstitious about opening my mouth to share these troubling things?
This strange fear is something I’m working on, and I feel a bit more confident about opening up, but it’s still not my go-to move, and it’s not inherent in my nature. However, I think being so closed off overall means I am closed off to everything else in the universe–emotions, opportunities, relationships, the good and the bad that life offers, and more. I am keeping myself in a constant state of denial, abstaining rather than indulging, and this may contribute to my constant feeling of limbo, that I’m in a state of being alive but not living at the same time.
So I will keep working on this. And it will hopefully build stronger relationships, a stronger mentality, a stronger me. A me that won’t hold myself back. A me that won’t fear failure or care about the reactions of people around me like they are the reason for my being. This way I can foster self-trust, self-love, confidence, and optimism, just like I always wanted.
And as a weird segue, let me just add that I am writing this now not only because it’s been on my mind lately but also because… it was Friday the 13th last week! You know… fear and jinxes. Did you have a good day of bad luck? I hope you were spared.
In conclusion, do you also fear jinxes in your life? Are you open about all the good in your life? How do you deal with this?