Ever since I was young, I was quite a closed off person. I often keep things to myself because I don’t trust in people to tell them things. Not that I can’t trust them to keep things to themselves or anything like that, but I can’t trust in them to react the way I’d like. After all, people always react–and their reactions are things I would rather not deal with for the most part. Either they have doubts, which only hurt me, or they have expectations–and that is unnecessary pressure I do not want on myself; hence, I am naturally quite a secretive person.

However, there is more to it than that. While I do not trust in the reactions of the people around me when sharing good news, I also was a generally pessimistic child growing up. I had this notion that it was better to set myself up for disappointment than to hype myself upΒ only to get disappointed. I thought if I had expectations, I was likely to be let down. On the other hand, if I had no expectations, I might actually be pleasantly surprised by good results. And for some reason, I felt like speaking about things would raise expectations not only in the people around me but also in myself, which would set me up for disappointment.

The last point I want to make is that for some reason, I also believed speaking about possible good things to come or new opportunities would jinx them. This might go hand in hand with my pessimism, but I found that the few times I did bring something up, the outcome would not be great. Whenever I said something, I would like to knock on wood three times to ward off jinxes. Weirdly enough, I have come to realize that I actually believed in jinxing things.

All of the points above mean that I have a flaw in my communication skills. I could be open about my feelings and I do like to talk a lot, but my aversion to letting people know when something good might happen, like scheduling an interview for a possible job opportunity, could be frustrating to some. Interestingly enough, this is not the case for everyone I deal with. While I turn to my friends more quickly and frequently to give them good news, I am less inclined to do the same with family. This could be because my peers are in similar situations or life stages as myself, so they are generally more understanding. Still, I am initially reluctant and even when I tell them, I feel withdrawn or uncomfortable at the same time.

See Also:  10 things I love about myself

fear of jinxing

This actually happens with bad things, too. I don’t like to talk about things thatΒ really worry me or if something bad happens, like someone close to me is hurt or in pain, because I worry talking about it will be me exhaling all the possibilities, scary ones, into the air where they will hang heavy and suffocating. Then they’ll get picked up by the universe and solidified into reality. Because once things are said, they are very real. And they are “incepted” into the mind (yes, like in the movie Inception). For example, when someone voices a concern I hadn’t even considered, it bogs down my mind, growing heavier and heavier, feeding my anxiety. But why go through things alone? Why am I so superstitious about opening my mouth to share these troubling things?

This strange fear is something I’m working on, and I feel a bit more confident about opening up, but it’s still not my go-to move, and it’s not inherent in my nature. However, I think being so closed off overall means I am closed off to everything else in the universe–emotions, opportunities, relationships, the good and the bad that life offers, and more. I am keeping myself in a constant state of denial, abstaining rather than indulging, and this may contribute to my constant feeling of limbo, that I’m in a state of being alive but not living at the same time.

So I will keep working on this. And it will hopefully build stronger relationships, a stronger mentality, a stronger me. A me that won’t hold myself back. A me that won’t fear failure or care about the reactions of people around me like they are the reason for my being. This way I can foster self-trust, self-love, confidence, and optimism, just like I always wanted.

And as a weird segue, let me just add that I am writing this now not only because it’s been on my mind lately but also because… it was Friday the 13th last week! You know… fear and jinxes. Did you have a good day of bad luck? I hope you were spared.

In conclusion, do you also fear jinxes in your life? Are you open about all the good in your life? How do you deal with this?

Gallantly,

gallantly gal

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9 Comments

  1. Nat

    April 16, 2018 at 12:47 pm

    I do not like sharing good news when it’s for something upcoming, even when it’s something I earned. This was last year, but at the time I did land a job which I wanted at the time (though I can say now that job was honestly not suited for me at all). Anyway, I was happy when I got hired and felt I earned it by going on the interview even though I was scared out of my mind and had even gotten into a ton of trouble during my commute to the interview. I didn’t even share those troubles with my parents because, in a way, it wasn’t exactly like I preferred suffering in silence but with them I am not comfortable sharing certain things and feeling as if I’m just complaining about a hardship they might not think is as bad as I believe it was. I guess that’s where I both have the expectation they will act a certain way in response to what I say, but also expecting to be disappointed by whatever they say to me.

    Anyway, what happened was after I got off the phone with the boss who let me know he was hiring me, I told my parents over dinner that I got the job. Internally I was really excited and proud of myself even though I didn’t know how to verbalize to them how I was feeling. It was like a mixture of anxiety and elation. My parents, instead of cheering me on, went straight for giving me “pointers” on how to act at a job. Some of it was ridiculous as if they were coaching a child how to behave. Telling me things like, smile at people, say good morning to them, etc. I don’t know if it is some asian parent mentality thing, but seriously, I sometimes feel as if I am treated like I’m 10 yrs old by them in certain respects even though I am an adult. In my head, I was feeling very upset at the time and the negativity I felt they were giving me was getting magnified by my own perception of their behavior. The worst is the times I’ve expressed frustration at my dad for his nagging and acting like he knows everything when he obviously does not, and he pulls that stupid “listen to your elders” crap and how older people know more than youngsters like me who don’t have the experience. Whatever. πŸ˜‘ This is why nowadays I just barely share anything with my parents unless I think it’s a “safe” neutral-ish topic because I cannot stand either their know-it-all attitude or when they give me the impression they don’t see why I am spending my time doing xyz.

    1. gallantly gal

      April 17, 2018 at 1:34 pm

      Yes. Just yes to ALL of this. I do think it has to do with what environment you grow up in, and whether that environment makes you feel safe about sharing things. That and personality, of course.

      1. Nat

        April 17, 2018 at 1:46 pm

        Yep. And trying my darnest to move away from the influence of how my parents are can be hard because I still live with them. It’s like, how do get away from them. It’s also sad but at times I ponder if it would be better if they were just not a part of my life someday. I also continually wonder if there’s just something innately broken in me for me to be like this. I’m sure there are other kids who grew up having similar adversaries from their parents and they probably turned out fine or not as emotionally messed up in adulthood.

        1. gallantly gal

          April 18, 2018 at 2:07 am

          It’s all understandable. Families are all very complicated. I don’t think anything is broken with you. Everybody is different and reacts differently to various circumstances πŸ™‚
          No one turns out fine and not emotionally messed up in adulthood. I promise you, we are all faking it xD

          1. Nat

            April 18, 2018 at 9:30 am

            LOL that actually makes me feel a lot better now that you say everyone is faking it. XD

  2. Bry Jaimea

    April 16, 2018 at 4:25 pm

    I have a fear of jinxes too – for me it’s if I truly believe something IS going to happen, as in I just KNOW it is, I will always downplay it…. just in case the universe decides I’m being a bit too sure of myself and takes it all away haha xx

    1. gallantly gal

      April 17, 2018 at 1:34 pm

      Haha yeah. I think part of fear of jinxes is wariness about how the universe will punish or reward me for certain beliefs and thoughts xD universe, please be kind<3

  3. Deeksha

    April 19, 2018 at 2:33 am

    Wow!! Great post n I also loved ur ‘About ‘Me’ ❀️

    1. gallantly gal

      April 19, 2018 at 10:24 am

      Aw thank you so much!! I’m glad you enjoyed❀️❀️

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