4 steps to surviving internet comment sections

Have you ever left a comment online? If yes, then you may have encountered none of the following: 1) a thoughtful post by someone hoping to continue your education by correcting your grammar, 2) a helpful notice to go to an obscure site that will save you from a lot of debt, 3) a beg for a like from a homeless commentator, 4) an enlightening lecture on the importance of political correctness, or 5) a respectful agreement to disagree.

If no, you should try it out and leave a comment under this blog post immediately for research purposes. Wait, why are you even here? No, you know what? You’re smart, and I’d like to be your friend. Because internet comment sections are actually terrible. They’re like war zones for the cowardly.

That’s why I am leaving you these four wise tips to come out from the carnage a survivor.

4 Steps to Surviving Internet Comment Sections

DON’T look at internet comment sections

don't look at the internet comment sections

Do not even. The war that is the comment section does not involve mandatory service, meaning you are just volunteering your mind, body, and soul to battle with strangers for absolutely no reason. Just don’t do it! Even if it’s to see if anybody agrees with your sentiments, it is not worth the mental anguish. You might think you won’t get involved, but you will get hooked, my friend.

Someone might dare to say that Friends is the most overrated sitcom in the world (and that person would be right, just saying), and you won’t be able to handle it. See? Even now, you’re probably skipping the rest of this post to check out the comment section for something like, “Is this girl for real? Saying she doesn’t like Friends?” only to find there are 0 comments so far… leaving it up to you… to defend the show’s honor… which leads to…

DON’T leave a comment

don't leave a comment on internet comment sections

Now that you’ve failed at not looking at the comments (good job, by the way, you’ll grow up to do great things), do not engage! No matter how tempting it is, don’t do it! Sure, no one wrote a comment yet saying that Friends is the greatest show in the world so I should go suck it, but that great responsibility does not fall on your shoulders by default. And even if someone wrote to me, “Thank God someone said it–I agree with you about Friends,” I repeat, do not engage. Do not let your inner anger possess your keyboard-hungry fingers. Even though I might say I could never get through more than five minutes of any rerun of this sitcom and that there are way better ones out there, you cannot let me get to your head like that. And if you succumb, and find that you are no longer in control of your body…

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DON’T look back

don't look back at internet comment sections

Now that you’ve failed and left a comment (seriously, I see such a bright future for you), do not, under any circumstances, look back. Just keep running forward. Envision that you are picking up food from your favorite Chinese take-out. The cashier, handing you your bag of delicious General Tso’s chicken, tells you, “Enjoy your food.” And you say, “Thanks, you too.” Realizing what you’ve just done, you get the hell out of there and never order from there ever again. You cry into your pillow at long nights about how there’s no Chinese take-out place that perfects the amount of crispiness and tenderness in their chicken like that one, cursing your awkwardness for failing you once again.

It’s the same with leaving a comment online. You’ve made a mistake. Don’t ever revisit it. Do not let curiosity get to you. You might wonder what replies people left or how many likes you got (or whether the guy at the restaurant remembers your fail), but you said what you had to say, and you should leave it at that. If you get e-mails about replies, delete them immediately. As a matter of fact, just burn your laptop before you get sucked into the black hole that is internet comment sections and…

DO pull a Walden

peace away from internet comment sections

Time to destroy your laptop and move out into the middle of nowhere to live out your days like Walden. It’s peaceful out here by the lake. The cabin is cozy with the fireplace crackling and warm. The stars are beautiful at night, and–hey, is that the sound of a rare gold-crested finch-sparrow-Snorlax mix looking for a partner? Nope, just the sound of an angry coyote tearing apart a carcass. So peaceful. Who needs the internet and those pesky internet comment sections? Oh, wait, just kidding. I need you to check out my blog.

Side effects of avoiding internet comment sections include:

itchy finger syndrome, constant need to prove a point, hunger for others’ approval, growing resentment from your house under the bridge, Virus-free computer, hate-free life, vomiting, diarrhea, death.




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